When I lived in Wisconsin, a dear friend, Mia (not her real name), began to experience horrifying hallucinations, paranoia, and nightmares. Everything she experienced was the obvious consequence of severe childhood abuse, a common precursor to schizophrenia. She was a sweet, tender-hearted woman whose career was brought to an abrupt end by these mental and emotional disruptions.

I moved back to Tulsa, the city where I grew up, not long after her struggles began. A year later, I returned to Wisconsin and had a chance to visit with her. I introduced a friend from Oklahoma to Mia. I explained to John (not his real name either) that Mia was no longer employed due to her pain and suffering. She lost her home shortly after attempting suicide, and the temporary housing she obtained through community programs, designed specifically for people in her situation, was coming to a pitifully short end. She was in danger of becoming completely homeless.

We picked Mia up from a local mall. She had visited every store and food establishment in the mall to apply for a job. Still coping with the side effects of anti-psychotic medications (e.g., tardive dyskenisia), no one expressed interest in hiring her. John, a conservative, Christian cowboy with a textbook “pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” mindset, was enormously kind and sensitive to Mia. Over tea, he exclaimed quite hopefully (paraphrased from memory):

“You know what you gotta do? Take your resume into the corporate office of [some company I don’t recall]. Just walk right in there, slap it down, and tell them you are the right person for the job! Show some initiative. That’ll go a long way. You got a lot to offer. You’ll get yourself a job in no time.”

If I could facepalm any harder, the impression of my hand would still be evident in my forehead today. Mia nodded sweetly and said nothing, but she too realized that his suggestion was ridiculous.

Weeks later, while hiking through a park in Tulsa, I tried to explain to my friend that there are some situations that are impossible to solve with mere grit and optimism. He vehemently disagreed, and we argued for some time. He seemed to gloss over the fact that someone other than Mia must ultimately extend a job offer to her, and all her grit and optimism would have accomplished was the successful solicitation of support from the community. In other words, we don’t succeed without help, ever. It is that support that would change her life, not the grit itself. Persistence and initiative are powerful tools in a job search, but where a supportive social response is lacking, persistence does not accomplish much. Nevertheless, John believed that in every situation, no matter how dire, anyone could climb out with perseverance and a positive attitude.

Now there is a certain power to this belief. Whoever holds it will find a way out of many problems that they might never have solved had they been more pessimistic. They might struggle until the end against all odds and quite possibly overcome mountains of troubles that would stop others cold. Optimism is powerful. The belief that anyone can succeed no matter what their circumstance is often uplifting. Even when the belief is wrong, holding it may get us further along and save us a measure of suffering. In that sense, the belief has value for its functional impact, whether true or not.

When applied without acknowledging our interconnectedness, however, the belief that every situation can be solved with individual grit alone can easily lead to neglect and cruelty. This belief can cause us to forget that we need one another. We forget the extent to which others have made our successes possible.

We forget that we are in this together.

Even when applied only to oneself, believing that all situations can be solved alone can lead to enormous suffering when a situation does come along that, in fact, has no answer. It’s a shocking discovery for some, and it may be a challenge at that point to reach out for help, because up until that point, needing help seemed like a sign of weakness or failure.

In fact, the failure is believing that we can get through life with no support or help from anyone. Supporting one another is normal. Living in a society where everyone is expected to survive and succeed alone is what’s crazy.